GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
