My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
