We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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