Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
