I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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