She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
sex in a hospital.. check
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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