Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
