a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
