You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
