did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
