Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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