I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
