When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
