So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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