I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
