I think my fart just growled at me.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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