I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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