i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
