Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
