I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
