I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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