I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Sorry about my life...
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
