So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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