upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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