Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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