my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
