If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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