help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
