the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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