i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
