he thought i was a dude.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Randomize
