You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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