Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
