Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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