The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
