so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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