Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
