I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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