I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
