I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
