we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
