I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She even gives head with a lisp.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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