And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
