Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
