4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
