smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
