Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
