1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
