1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Princesses don't give blow jobs
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
