I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
