i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
