He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
